Come Together Episode 3: Communication
An Off Grid Intimacy Course by Unyoked x NORMAL
Communication is a vital part of any relationship. We don’t mean small talk, chatting, or a quick text to see whose turn it is to pick up eggs on the way home—although all of that is important!—we mean the sort of conversations that can connect you and your partner on a deeper level.
Sound intimidating?
It doesn’t have to be, although we know that some couples feel so intimidated about having those big conversations that it can be difficult for them to know where to begin.
That’s totally normal, says professional sex coach Georgia Grace.
“Communication around sex doesn’t come naturally to everyone,” she admits. “That’s why we’re here to show you how it’s done.”
“Learning to talk about sex can feel like learning a whole new language, and while it can feel uncomfortable at first,practising your sexual communication skills is a really important part of the process of feeling more confident, fulfilled, and connected to your own body and others’.”
Before you have any big conversations about sex, Georgia recommends finding the right time—and the right topic.
First, choose a moment when you and your partner are relaxed and distraction-free. “Often being in nature or on holiday is a really good time to do it, because you’re away from the stresses of everyday life and there are fewer distractions.”
If a holiday isn’t on the immediate horizon, you could take a long walk with your partner, visit a nearby nature spot like a park or a beach, or even simply commit to turning off your phones for an hour and disconnecting from the world to focus on each other.
It’s also a good idea to know what you want to talk about. A broad, general statement like, “Are you happy with our sex life?” can open up a good discussion, but it can also make it trickier to focus on some of the finer details. Similarly, it’s never kind to use an accusatory or blaming tone with your partner: “You never dress up for me anymore” or, “You never want to try new things” can start the conversation off on the wrong foot.
Above all, Georgia recommends keeping an open mind.
“I want to introduce you to a phrase I use with my clients who feel stuck: ‘we're here to do things differently’. I love working with this phrase. Anytime you feel stuck, uninspired, awkward or clunky, remember: you’re here to do things differently”
“It may take some time, because we humans are hard wired; and it certainly may be a little clunky, because you’ll want to revert to what you know, but that’s a sign that you’re at your ‘learning edge’ which is a great space to be in as a couple.”
And if you’re not sure exactly how to talk about what’s on your mind, Georgia suggests the following framework.
Context. “Is now a good time for us to talk?” I never recommend talking right before, during, or after sex, because it can feel a little too vulnerable
Focus on the good stuff. What do you currently love about your relationship? Open the conversation with some positives to help you and your partner keep a caring and kind mood. “I really love the way you support me and encourage me in our relationship. It means so much to me.”
Acknowledge room for improvement. What would make things better? What do you want to work on? What are you curious about and why do you want to do this new thing? “But I’ve noticed that we haven’t had as much sex since you started working nights.”
Add some more good stuff. ‘Bookending’ a potentially tricky topic with two nicer things can sometimes make a tough conversation more palatable. “I really miss having that intimate time with you, because it helps me express how much I adore you—and I really do.”
Allow some space. You don’t need to press for, or come up with, an answer straight away. Give each other time and space to process the conversation, but agree on a time that you’ll continue it. “I know stuff like this can be hard to talk about, so if you want to take some time to think about it please do. Maybe we could talk about this again later after dinner?”
Integrate. Thank your partner for their openness, and integrate the conversation with something physical, emotional, sensual, active, or playful. “Thank you for hearing me on this. Would you like a hug, then we can go watch that new series?”
Remember, you’re free to express yourself and your desires, but you can’t convince your partner to do something they don’t want to do. If you’ve expressed a want that your partner does not want to meet, says Georgia, “Thank them for voicing a boundary, and remember the wonderful thing is that you can still explore that interest on your own!”
If you’re keen for a few more communication strategies, Georgia recommends two exercises you can do with your partner:
Speed relating
“Like any new language, if you want to get better at communication you have to practise. This is a game I designed years ago.
“All you need to do is set a timer for one minute, and take turns asking or answering questions. When the timer goes off, move on to the next person—your partner."
This could look like:
“Would you like to try using toys in the bedroom?”
“Yes!”
“On me, or on you?”
“Just on me.”
“What kind of toys would you like to try?”
“Well…"
Redefine intimacy
“I invite many of my clients to take sex off the cards for an agreed period of time, as well as releasing any expectations and ‘shoulds’. This may sound counter intuitive, but it can relieve a lot of pressure and allow you to do things that you want, rather than things you feel you should,” Georgia says.
Take some time to discuss with your partner how you could redefine intimacy. “How can you invite intimate or pleasurable moments into your relationship beyond ‘naked bodies penetrating each other’?” Georgia suggests. “A passionate kiss, sensual massage, jumping in the shower together…all of these experiences may be fulfilling intimate experiences.
“Start being intimate in ways that are exciting and fulfilling and focus on the quality of the experience rather than the quantity or frequency of the experience.”