Intentional Solitude vs Loneliness - A Writer's Perspective
Hunter Bergen from Golden Hour Collective shares the importance of quality intentional solitude as a solo traveller, and how we navigate that when we’re going through a period of loneliness.
The Reality of Solo Travel
Solo travelling – as the name suggests – involves a lot of time on your own. Whether that’s making travel decisions on your own, travelling between destinations on your own, visiting the touristy spots on your own, partaking in tours and guided excursions on your own… and while the decision to come on this great adventure was intentional, we don’t always find ourselves moving through the motions of the actual adventure with intention. You can often find yourself caught up in the feeling of “needing” to do all these things on your travels as a way of proving you can and ensuring you’re always having a good time.
Why?
Because it took a lot of courage for you to make the decision – often involving leaving a stable job and all your friends and family – and not everyone will be supportive of it. Not everyone understands the desire to do things like travelling solo, and you sometimes feel like you’re needing to prove it’s this big, amazing thing (which it is) so that the negative judgement or unsolicited advice and expectations from loved ones can roll off your back, and not deter you from going after this journey that you know is meant for you.
But sometimes solo travelling isn’t amazing. It can be hard, challenging, exhausting, and lonely – as much as we hate to admit that. You’re constantly meeting new people, making great friendships, all to say goodbye repeatedly; often bouncing around from accommodation to accommodation; spending a lot of time looking up places to go… being in unfamiliar territory means your mind and body are never 100% relaxed for long periods of time. And while all the hustle and bustle feels exciting – it can eventually take a toll on you and put you in positions of feeling disconnected from yourself.
The Power of Intentional Solitude
I believe one of the best things you can do for yourself while solo travelling is to plan and make space for intentional solitude. This can look like booking a quiet getaway in a remote cabin, or simply spending an afternoon at the beach with some crafts, snacks, your journal, and turning off your phone.
It’s not about spending lots of money on a fancy retreat that forces you to reconnect with yourself, but making the conscious decision to acknowledge your mental health and what is best for it, being honest about the instability that comes with solo travelling (not a bad thing), and choosing to take actions that help make this [sometimes chaotic] lifestyle more sustainable for you (assuming it’s something you’re wanting to do long-term) that ultimately allows you to get realistic about your relationship with yourself.
When we can make time for intentional connection with ourselves, we are able to find a lot more meaning and value in our day-to-day experiences. You welcome in more gratitude, more patience, more curiosity, more love. When we show up for ourselves with more intention, it ripples out into the other areas of our lives.
The Loneliness No One Talks About
It’s no secret that solo travelling has gained a lot of attention worldwide and become this “trendy” thing to do and share about on your socials. It’s not for everyone, which I think most can agree with. But behind all the fun, the adventure, the meeting new people, trying new things, can be experiences of a deep-rooted loneliness that not everyone talks about.
When we’re so conditioned to only see and share the highlights of our lives, it’s easy to forget the lows that inevitably come – solo travellers are not immune to these feelings. When you’re frequently on the move, changing your environment, changing the people you’re surrounded by, saying goodbye… There’s often this underlying state of fight-or-flight to ensure you’re staying safe. It’s easy to feel run down by this.
When we can’t find rest, this can have a negative impact on our mental health, which allows feelings of loneliness to creep in. Solo travellers are often individuals who are comfortable with alone time – for some, they even prefer it – but no matter how much of an introvert you may be, you’re still a creature who depends on community for good quality of life (whether you like to admit it or not).
Loneliness is a heavy feeling to navigate… it’s a feeling that can exist even when you’re surrounded by some of the best people. It’s why I believe it’s so important that you build that intentional relationship with yourself. At the end of the day, YOU are your only true constant; it’s important to learn to love the person you spend so much time with – flaws and all. When you take time to connect with and learn more about yourself, when you spend more time and energy on the things that make you feel alive, it only builds up your self-confidence, self-worth and helps to better manage the feelings of loneliness – and in turn, it radiates an energy that attracts your true community.
Simple Ways to Spend Intentional Time with Yourself
Now… being told to just “spend intentional time with yourself” can be easier said than done, especially if you already spend a lot of time on your own. Here are three simple examples of ways you can get started if you’re new to seeking intentional time with yourself:
Go to a new (or your favourite) café/restaurant and bring your journal. Leave your phone at home, in the car, or on ‘do not disturb’ in your bag. And ask yourself the question: how am I REALLY feeling?
Go for a walk without your phone – pick a colour and make a mental note of all the things you see in that colour.
Try a short, guided meditation and then journal how you felt afterwards.
The key is to do things that don’t involve technology and allow your thoughts that you’re trying to silence, to get a little louder. Allow them to come up, listen to what they have to say, hold space for them and get curious – ask them questions. This intentional time is different from the typical “self-love/care day/solo date” time we often see people talk about. This intentional time you spend with yourself isn’t meant to be 100% comfortable or distracted – it’s why I didn’t put “take yourself to see a movie” on the above list. It’s about doing things that bring you into the present moment and help you discover the parts of yourself that have felt disconnected.
Loneliness won’t always be permanent, and there are always ways to navigate it, but it can only happen if you allow yourself to truly confront it.