Come Together Course Episode 2: Stress
An Off Grid Intimacy Course by Unyoked x NORMAL
Stress is an unavoidable part of life, and it can definitely take a toll on our physical and mental health. We all know the signs: you might get an upset stomach before a particularly stressful work meeting, or be up all night ruminating on an argument you had with a friend.
But stress can also have an effect on our intimate relationships, too. When we’re under stress we might find it difficult to prioritise time with our loved ones or we may be less likely to have a desire for intimacy, and our relationships can suffer as a result.
“When you’re stressed, your body goes through a series of changes in order to keep you safe. This is your ‘fight, flight, or freeze’ response: we can fight whatever is stressing us out, fly or flee away from it, or freeze and pause to assess what our next move should be,” explains professional sex coach, Georgia Grace.
“This is your body’s natural reaction to danger, and it’s an automatic response that is essential to keeping us alive. However, many people are operating in this heightened state on a daily basis, at work, at home, in their relationships, or even when thinking about sex.”
And that’s where the trouble lies. Although we all sometimes feel stressed, and it’s a normal part of life, feeling a lot of stress long-term often can really affect us. If we’re always ‘on alert’, we start finding it difficult to relax—and if we can’t relax, we often can’t be present in our relationships the way we’d like to be.
“All of this can impact your desire and how much energy or capacity to connect with your partner,” Georgia explains.
“It is incredibly common—I often teach stress management, self-regulation, and mindfulness practices to my clients to support them in feeling more regulated in their bodies and their relationship.”
Key to this is understanding the two states we can operate in when stressed: hypo-arousal and hyper-arousal.
“When I explain this to my clients in-session, they often have a ‘light bulb moment’ and can suddenly make sense of the fact that they’ve been struggling with not wanting sex, noticing their body isn’t performing as expected, and other side effects of stress.”
So how can we spend more time within our window of tolerance, and less time in hyper-aroused or hypo-aroused states?
It's a two-step process, suggests Georgia. It begins with awareness: being aware of any moments in which you feel stressed or on-edge. This might sound simple, because most of us can differentiate between feeling stressed and feeling relaxed, but we recommend really taking time to check in with yourself when you notice your mood leaning towards stress. It may even work to physically stop what you’re doing, put down your phone or close your computer, and say out-loud to yourself, “I’m feeling stressed right now.”
Step two is regulating your body: breathing deeply, moving in a way that feels good to you, or creating a safe and controlled space. Sit down and take a few moments (or even a few minutes) to practise deep breathing, or get into your body by jumping up and down, taking a short walk, or even doing an on-the-spot disco dance (hey, whatever works!). Lastly, see if you can change your space to make it a bit nicer to be in: open (or close) a window, turn the lights down, or relocate entirely—take that work phone call out on the balcony, or write that email to your landlord from the couch rather than your desk.
Georgia also recommends engaging with your partner during these moments.
“Be aware of signs of stress you can look out for together, and support each other to feel grounded.
“Use regulation tools and ideas together,” she advises. You could do some deep breathing with your partner, or help them quickly change up their space during a stressful moment. “Imagine it as two nervous systems regulating themselves.”
“If all of that feels too much, of course, you could just take three deep breaths right now, look out the window, or mindfully sip on a cup of tea.
“Mindfulness is a skill, and even though it’s not something you need to be ‘good at’ it is something that takes practice.”
Want to relax, reconnect, or just spend some time getting back to nature? Check out the NORMAL x Unyoked collaboration, helping you get in touch with nature and in touch with yourself in the wild outdoors.