Come Together Course Episode 1: Desire
An Off Grid Intimacy Course by Unyoked x NORMAL
Most of us know the feeling of desire. It occurs when we really want something, from a new outfit to a cool trip to even just a 3pm chocolate fix (hey, we’re not judging). In a relationship, desire often feels like a want for our partner. We desire them sexually and want to be intimate with them, or we desire them emotionally and want to feel connected to them. Professional sex coach Georgia Grace is really familiar with desire. It’s something that comes up in-session with her clients frequently—and it’s something that many couples can struggle with.
“Desire, libido, sex drive…call it what you want, but it’s hands-down one of the most common reasons couples seek professional support,”
“Overall we have a very linear understanding of desire. When you like or love someone, there’s an expectation that you should just want to bang each other at any given moment—that you both want to be intimate or have sex at the exact same time and you roll around tearing each others’ clothes off.
“In reality, nothing works like this. Do you always want the exact same meal at the exact same time as your partner? Nope. And desire is the same."
It’s a common situation: you’re feeling aroused, and you really want to get physical with your partner, but they’re simply not in the mood. Or it’s your partner who wants to initiate sex, but you’re just not feeling it.
We want to be clear that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with declining sex, and we support you choosing exactly when and where to be intimate at all times. But when it becomes common or even regular for partners to desire physical intimacy at opposite times, it can become an issue for some people. In fact, it’s something so many couples seek advice on that there’s even a name for it: desire discrepancy.
And key to working through this issue, according to Georgia, is understanding more about desire itself.
“There are actually two different ways of experiencing desire,” says Georgia.
“There’s spontaneous desire, which is when you require little or no stimulus and seemingly out of nowhere sex feels like a good idea.
“And then there’s responsive desire. Sex may not have been front of mind, but after receiving neck kisses for a few minutes, seeing your partner looking really sexy, or even watching a sex scene, you respond to these stimuli and then you think, “Oh yes, sex, that’s a great idea!”
These two forms of desire were first suggested by sex educator Emily Nagoski, who we’re big fans of here at NORMAL. Nagoski wrote that even though researchers suggest around 30% of women experience responsive desire as their primary form of desire, desire is not defined by gender—anyone, of any gender and sexuality, can and will experience both forms of desire throughout their lives.
“Both of these desire types are sexy, healthy, and exciting,” explains Georgia.
"They’re just different ways to experience desire. However, there’s an expectation that we should all be spontaneous in our desire, when in reality the majority of us can be responsive.”
And if the majority of us can experience responsive desire, then it might just mean that we need to create something for our desire to respond to—rather than just waiting for spontaneous desire to occur.
Georgia suggests thinking about our accelerators and brakes, otherwise known as our turn-ons and turn-offs.
An accelerator is something that puts us in the mood for sex—something that our desire responds to. It might be the thought of your partner in a sexy outfit, a really appealing scent, a sexy text from a lover, or even just a touch or caress on a particular body part.
Our brakes, on the other hand, are the things that take us out of the mood. Being exhausted, having a stressful day, experiencing physical pain like a sore back or a headache, or even just feeling really full after a big meal can all be brakes.
“You’re probably already clocking a few things that are brakes and accelerators for you,” Georgia suggests. “So let’s take it to the next level.”
Georgia recommends mapping your accelerators and brakes—if not on paper, then at least in your head. Consider the things that are accelerators for you, and then consider your brakes. And then, to help create an environment in which responsive desire can occur, write an erotic paragraph featuring your accelerators or bring them into the real world, alone or with your partner.
Can you put together a few lines about that singer you’ve always had a crush on? Can you change into those silky pyjamas that always feel lush against your skin?
Great—we’ve come a long way in creating a context in which we can experience desire.
“There’s often an assumption that when you love someone sex should just be effortless and ‘work’. But this is rarely the case,” explains Georgia.
“You need to learn how to be a good lover. So take time to learn about your desire styles and work to create more of a context for desire together.”
Want to relax, reconnect, or just spend some time getting back to nature? Check out the NORMAL x Unyoked collaboration, helping you get in touch with nature and in touch with yourself in the wild outdoors.